mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
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[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.