I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
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“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
how was your vacation
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Love thy neighbor’s dog
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
john wicks are toilet candles
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”