Breaking news:
You Might Also Like
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.