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INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?