Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
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Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
worst…sale…ever
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
the noise i just made
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
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*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio