The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
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I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness