[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
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Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.