Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
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Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.