When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
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My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.