me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
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Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!