ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
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Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Did…did a minotaur write this
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.