“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
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You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know