Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
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Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*