3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
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No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”