Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
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OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
I need to update my racial profile.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.