american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
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I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.