My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
You Might Also Like
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Finally! 😈
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Twitter dot com. *sigh*