Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
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Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Come back with a warrant
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
lmao