Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
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*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses