New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
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Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Is this the real life?
Is this just
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles