[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
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pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.