Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
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[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
scares
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
any last words?
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove