My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
You Might Also Like
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
#parenting
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house