Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
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Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.