Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
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I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing