“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
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Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
“HELP WITH CAT”
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
wut hotdog?
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat