my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
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Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again