looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
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Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
*me flirting
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.