My neck, my back, my…
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Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
WHO DID THIS?
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
These aren’t even hard anymore.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
sin harder.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?