My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
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Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Big Sex has us all fooled
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.