“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
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When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge