Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
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“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.