A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
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My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
💁🏻♂️
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
The big book of baby names but for safe words
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.