I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
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me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want