I asked my brothers why they鈥檙e getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum馃槕
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I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What鈥檚 the nightmare part?
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Me: i feel like we don鈥檛 communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where鈥檚 your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Q: What isn鈥檛 yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Haven鈥檛 lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven鈥檛 played in that long or what have you.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Never let kids google names of Pok茅mon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good鈥攜our lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.