“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
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I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Waffles make excellent pill organizers