Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
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If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Had to try this trend 😊
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.