Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
You Might Also Like
This is always good for a laugh.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence