Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
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Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Can’t, holding a grudge
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.