Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
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My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Going to church you guys need anything
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees