No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
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More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”