i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
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My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10