Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
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The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”