If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
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Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.