trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
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The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Just so funny
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.