Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
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My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Me when someone tries to get to know me
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.