How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
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Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?