This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
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Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.