“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
You Might Also Like
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds