Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
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the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.